SAY A LITTLE PRAYER FOR ME

Last week, we found out that our baby, due this summer, is a little boy (so excited)! Today, my husband passed along a gift from my mother-in-law, a book of prayers for mothers. Now I appreciate the sentiment behind the gift (after all, I'm sure many mothers rely on prayer to guide them as they raise their children). With that being said, this book is problematic on a few levels.

FIRST, the inscription: "To Alicia & Sean." Um, last time I checked, Sean, bless his heart, isn't enduring stretch marks, loss of sleep, loss of bladder control, diminished wardrobe options, and sciatic nerve issues that leave one with a constant pain in the rump (though I suppose he is enduring my bitching about all of the above). So, um, why is the book for him also? I don't really like to share.

Now, let's flip to the inside cover. Standard copyright information, including "No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without expressed permission from the publisher." But aren't they encouraging me to recite the prayers? Do I need to provide God with a bibliography? Which citation format does God prefer? Personally, I feel that APA is wimpy at best, but Chicago is a holy nightmare . . . . where does that leave us? MLA? Science and religion obviously don't mix, so CBE is out.

Okay, so now a few observations about the prayers themselves. WHO writes these things (and how much do they get paid)? How about:

"For a Homosexual Child"

I will always love my child through whatever difficulties lie ahead. Please help me to overcome my fears. Help us to keep our relationship strong. Please guide and protect this child in your safe and loving ways.

Um, shouldn't this be a prayer that a mother says for ALL for her children? Just wait, here's another:

"When My Husband Is Overworked"

My husband came in so late that he didn't even see the baby. Instead of understanding that he'd had a rough day, I questioned why he was late. The lipstick on his collar and liquor on his breath made me wonder if he fell into a prostitute AND a bottle of Jack all in the same day. My poor hubbie. Of course, I can't understand the pressures of the office, since this prayer assumes that all I do is wander around barefoot with a screaming child on my hip.

Okay, I made up part of that one. But this, this is inspiring:

"Infidelity"

Here I am, wife, mother, partner, friend. Betrayed. What do I do? What are my choices? Break up the family? Forgive and forget? Chop off his weenie?

"For Teachers and Mentors of My Child"

Lord, let the teachers and mentors in my child's life be strong in faith, and solid in purpose. And also, let them not be pedophiles.

"Child Getting Married"

Only yesterday, I held this child in my arms. Today my child is starting a whole new life. I'm not worried, though. Through my daily phone calls, too-frequent visits, and carefully-timed temper tantrums, I will make sure that I remain the center of his focus and the number-one woman in his life.

What I like BEST about this book is the broad scope of topics. There really is help for EVERYTHING. And by everything, I mean, "Mental Retardation," "Menopause," and "Sex." What a comfort.

I do pray that sarcasm translates in a blog.

I won't even start about the portrayal of "God the Father," all-knowing, all-powerful, all-male. Of course this God is one I can rely on to understand and guide me on the journey of motherhood.